Embracing Grace

I wanted to share a post with everyone that I came across today. 

"We all get to decide that- between erasing sin and embracing grace. One's impossible- and the other makes everything possible."

There are not many words that need to be shared outside of this but, I will share a few. 

First, Christians are sinners. Often times there are people who portray Christians as these perfect people with perfect lives who are free and clear of sin, temptation and difficulties. That is a sham. God never promised any of us that road. In fact, He gave His Son's life for He knew what sinners we all were. His blood was shed to free us from the stronghold of ALL sin. Yes, all sin. Sex, drugs, finances, gambling even murder... no sin is greater than the sacrifice He made for our lives. 

Secondly, as a Christian it is our calling to love on everyone just as Christ has loved on us. This doesn't mean that because someone has yet to dedicate their life or is on fire for His cause that they should be treated any differently by the Christian community. 

With that being said, sadly, I know not everyone experiences that. Fortunately, I did. 

My husband and I had a wonderful dating relationship. The greatest relationship I had ever been blessed to be a part of. And that was just it, we were blessed. From our first date, we kept Christ as the center of our relationship and walked His desired path. It was so apparent He was at work in us and was orchestrating something great. 

Months later we stumbled. We took our relationship into our own hands and did as we pleased. For those who have seen the timeline of our relationship and questioned the sequence of events... We were pregnant before we were married. We were heartbroken. To know that we had sinned and to know that it would be a sin we wouldn't be able to pray for forgiveness, repent and move on from brought a different depth to the feelings and emotions. We had fallen and almost immediately it would be something we would have to share with the world. We were a Christian couple. What kind of couple for God were we?? What kind of example were we?? 

There was no question as to whether or not we were going to continue the pregnancy. Although we were sadden for the sin we had committed, we were so fortunate and blessed for the life given to us in the form of this unborn child. We already had our wedding planning under way. We were only lacking a ring and date. Oh, and of course announcing it to the world!! Our wedding news was overshadowed to many (who were not as close and shared in our relationship) by the news of a baby. 

A few months later we were in San Diego preparing for our wedding. The morning before the wedding I awoke to begin stuffing party favors and ironing out the final details of the big day. It was October 10th, 2012. As I stepped out to grab some supplies I left my phone behind. A few moments later I paused from what I was doing and glanced at the phone. I had missed a call, and had a voicemail. The number looked familiar but I couldn't make out the connection at the moment. As I listened to the voicemail it was an office assistant from the OB I had been seeing. According to the message they wanted me to come in and be checked that afternoon. 

Confused, I stood still for a moment allowing my thoughts to race a million miles a minute. However, I still could not find a reason for being "checked". I hadn't had any testing done. All of the test I had taken had already come back and everything was looking great. What is it that they want from me??

Trying to grab hold of something that made sense of the message, I ran to my husband (fiancé at the time). He had still been asleep from the night before. I stood next to him and said, "the doctor's office called, they want me to come in today." I have never seen him awake so quickly. He sprang up to the upright position and quickly responded, asking for what?? I tried to put my wandering thoughts into words but could only get out ramblings. He insisted I call the office back and find out what it was about. 

After a few calls back in forth he grabbed the phone and insisted they give us answers. Within minutes we had the doctor on the phone. She wanted to speak to me. She asked if we had recently gone to a 3D/4D ultrasound studio... I replied, "yeeeees..." almost as if it were a question and answer in one. There was nothing that said we were not allowed to see our child. And to top it off, I am impatient lady!!... You haven't given any indication of doing an ultrasound so we know the gender so we decided to get an early peak a few days before the wedding. I was overjoyed to have the news to share on our big day; it was a boy!!!! Whats the big deal with that?? 

She went on to say that the technician there had seen some "abnormalities with the fetus". They can never speak kindly and tell you they want to make sure your child is developing correctly instead they refer to the life inside of you as simply a fetus and say there are abnormalities. I guess looking back now that is probably strategic. Any who, she told me they don't know what they are doing there anyways as they are not medically trained. It seemed to me as an attempt to scare me from ever going anywhere but her office again. She asked that I be checked ASAP. I was told I could wait until Monday but it wasn't recommend. She knew I was to be married the following day. A wreck by this point my husband had to take over communication. We attempted to find somewhere in the area we could be seen to get this resolved. With the insurance run around and other factors we ultimately hit the road back to the home hospital for the OB I had been seen at.

The drive was horrific. It was two hours in real time, but felt like an eternity. I was sobbing and pacing back and forth in my mind. What did I see in the scans?? Was there anything I noticed that didn't look like every other scan I have ever seen?? I had pictures on my phone from the last scan that I frantically flipped through. Zooming in on every detail seeing what it could possibly have been. Was there a limb missing I didn't notice?? Was there some handicap?? Oh please Lord, let it be a handicap. I can only imagine the amazing works You could do with my son even if he is missing a limb or has some other handicap. That has to be it. Please let that be it.!!!!!! 

Once we got to the hospital we were directed to radiology. Hours later we were finally called back. The technician was a kind woman. As soon as she started checking things out she noticed my ridiculously full bladder and finally gave me the okay to use the restroom. I came back in the room and laid down on the table. The exam began. I watched her every move. I took note of anything she took more than a second to roll over, and immediately upon a pause I would study her face for indications of what she saw. 

The moment she came to the head I knew. I had never heard of Zeke's condition before but I knew there was something not right. She told us she thought she saw what the technician had seen when we found out his gender but would need the radiologist to confirm. 

Of course, the doctor wasn't ready to come in immediately and check us out. We were eventually told to go back to the waiting room, they would call us back again when he was ready. 

Time had never moved so slowly. When we were back in the room with the radiologist I felt numb, nauseous, like I was about to experience my worst nightmare. This had to be a movie. He too spent much time scanning the head. I was devastated. Tell me what is wrong with my baby. He attempted to tell us our doctor would be contacting us. He slipped away smiling and telling us to have a great day... are you kidding me!?? After insisting he tell us what is wrong with our son, he threw his medical lingo at us and finalized his statement saying "incompatible with life". I lost it. He slipped out of the room, still holding his inappropriate smile. The technician remained with us in the room. She told us it was a good thing we found it this soon. Oh thank God!! There is hope. "Really" I asked her, "What does that mean?? What does finding this early do?? What can we do??". 

I could only assume that she was going to give me words of hope. Speak to me of a treatment or surgery or medication that would correct what the doctors said was wrong. But instead, she told me nothing. Instead, she suggested ending his life. "Well, nothing. But, you can terminate."

I was inconsolable. 

I had to be escorted out the back way of the hospital to our vehicle. 

My life would never be the same. 

No matter what  the decision to come, I would forever be changed. 

From the hospital we were directed across the street to the OB's office. Once again, I was rushed in just as I was rushed out of the hospital. They couldn't let all these women see a pregnant woman in such a state. They would all question what had happened... what was wrong with the lady who was sobbing uncontrollably... what did they do to her.... is it the hormones or something worse...

It was something worse. 

My son's life had been taken from me in an instant. All the dreams and plans I had for him, crushed. 

The doctor was in the room almost immediately. She asked what we understood and continually reiterated that my baby boy was "incompatible with life. " She told us that I could lose him at any moment and we may not realize until the next check up. We may leave the office one day and he pass later that afternoon without any way to know. She would not increase appointments to check on me anymore than any other pregnancy and therefore it may be awhile before we knew he had passed and that could cause serious illness for me. Or worse, death. She terrified my husband. Then went on to ask us that we cancel our wedding and begin "aborting the pregnancy" instead. 

I was in a fog. None of this seemed real. I felt like I couldn't take another breath. How was I going to face all these people tomorrow?? How could I smile and enjoy my wedding day?? How.... How is anything possible anymore?? I didn't want to speak to anyone ever again. I didn't want to relive the pain of what I had just endured. 

All of the terminology they used with us made it seem as though what was inside of me was not a life but rather something that could easily be discarded. All of the "risks" spoken to us that afternoon made it as though this "fetus" were harmful to me and of little value.

We left the office and told her we would return on Monday to discuss things more. 

It was all so surreal. We had fought to hear his heartbeat during the last appointment at the OB. I needed to know my son was still alive. His heart was as strong as ever. In fact the doctor commented on his life to this point. She stated my body believed this was a healthy pregnancy and was holding onto him; his life was coming from me. She would separate him from my body and ultimately surgically remove him and all signs of a pregnancy. 

All of the strategically spoken words were now making sense. Typically, this approach is of great success with patients. Doctors and staff are able to use these words to convince women inside them is not yet a life, not yet of value and thus easy to abort. All out of convenience. 

We knew after leaving the office we would never choose to end our son's life. 

His last moments were not for us to determine. Every life is given by God... the God who gives and takes away. He had given us the life of our son, regardless of its length and He too would be the one to take it away. 

My pregnancy did not come to a married couple. My son's expectancy was not announced to a family living free of sin... But God showed His grace anyways. My husband and I sinned and through it, because God loves us that much... He gave us a life, a blessing. 

Had we decided to terminate back on that October date we never would have held our Zeke man in our arms. We never would have heard his coos or cries. Never would he have held our hands as he did or never would we have seen his big blue eyes. Never would I have felt his baby soft skin or the kick of his feet with those long little toes outside of my belly.

Because I chose life for my son, I was able to hold him in my arms as he took his final breath. His final breath that was determined by God's will and not that of a doctor or my own desires. 

Children are a blessing from God. 

Meet my blessing, Ezekiel Anthony

To anyone out there reading this blog who has terminated a pregnancy for whatever reasons, please know that I do not judge you for your decision. I want you to know I am here for you. I am here to pray for you and to love you just as Christ has loved me. 

For anyone reading this who is facing the decision of aborting a pregnancy, please reach out before making a decision. If you cannot find someone in the Christian community near you to love on you and pray over you please know I am here. 

And to anyone out there carrying to term despite receiving a fatal diagnosis, know that I am here to comfort you just as Christ has comforted me (2 Corinthians). 

I am not free from sin as I have just shared, but I have embraced the grace of God. Your sins are no greater or less than the sins I too have committed, and they also are not greater than the grace of God. May you welcome His grace into your life today. 

God Bless.