Picking up the Pieces

As I sit here today reflecting on my life and daily struggles, one word continually floods my thoughts. Defeat. 

Have you ever had those moments, days, weeks or even months where you just want to crawl into a hole?? Currently, that is my life disposition. That is exactly where I feel I am at.

Mother's Day is looming ahead. I have been dreading May 12th, 2013 for some time now. Since October 10th, 2012 to pinpoint an exact date; the day of my son's diagnosis. The sadness and pain that the day may (I say may because I know God is Mighty and with Him I can overcome the darkest of days, as long as I give them fully to Him!!) hold have truly terrified me. I have tried numerous times to develop a plan of attack for such a holiday. A plan in which I can shelter myself. Hide out from the world as a defensive mechanism to what the day truly symbolizes.
I am a mommy to an angel.
My child will not be in my arms as I celebrate my first Mother's Day.

 I am a mother without her child. 

I am mother with empty arms and a forever broken heart. 

Instead of holding my child close, I will wear a necklace against my chest with his name. I will continue to carry inches on my waist that are unfortunately not overshadowed by the beautiful child most mother's are privileged to carry in their arms. I do not have this gift any longer here on earth with me. My Zeke is now in the arms of Jesus. 

My struggles and difficulty with motherhood this past year have not ended there. I also have a step daughter. My "mommy" duties did not end the day that my child left my arms. For those who are also step-parents, I am sure this is an all too relatable feeling. The role of step mom, or for those who are men... step dad, is one of the most difficult titles you will ever take on. As this is not a role God ever called for anyone to hold, the dynamics are never functional as a family was intended to be. "Mixed" families are dysfunctional. I will spare you all the sugar coating and give the plain, simple truth. These sorts of families do not work as the Brady Bunch depicted.

 It is a truly impossible love. 

I wish from the bottom of my heart I were able to love my step daughter freely. I want to love her the way my heart naturally goes to. But when you are a step parent, you are given limitations. All too often you find yourself in between the rock and a hard place, so to speak. 

My step daughter's school is holding Mother's Day festivities. For some time now, she has repeatedly asked me to attend.  Each time she has asked my answer has remained the same. Hesitantly I answer, Okay. Steering clear of any definitive answer has been my safety net. 

She does not get or even know of my hibernation hopes for all things Mother's Day. 

This past week when we resumed our conversation it went a bit differently.

Rather than asking yet again that I attend, she told me that the event was "actually only for people who are mom's". These are words are not her own. No less, they are words that I have anticipated the arrival of. Until that day, that moment... I was unsure of where or when they would come. 

As painful as they may have been to hear, it was even more disheartening to think of who would have put such a thought into a child's mind.

The truth is, the person who first told her these words, the person to first utter these thoughts into existence for her... is not alone.
The situation in which you have experienced such an event may not be the same, but typically they share a common audience. Most days these sorts of things do not have an effect on me but it seems I have let them get the best of me from time to time. I cannot say I don't struggle. 

All of the above, every detail from the actions of others to my own feelings and emotions, are a result of one thing.
 The devil's stronghold. 
One has allowed themselves to be used as a vessel. Not a vessel for Christ, but a vessel for the works of the enemy. As a result of opening themselves to Satan's needs, harsh words are spoken. Words are used as a sword to cut another down.

In the lowest of my moments, God spoke to me. I had let Satan's stronghold in my home. I had let the devil come in the middle of my marriage. I had let that same stronghold allow me to feel distant from Christ and His love for me. Despite all of it, He and His word did not abandon me. Though I felt alone in what I was experiencing, at no time was that my reality. My God is greater than it all.

"In your anger do not sin" Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.- Ephesians 4:26-27

When others lash out with harsh words and actions, do not lash out in retaliation.
Instead, pray for them.
 Pray for their heart, for they have already allowed Satan's stronghold in the places they are attempting to carry into your life.
Their actions show they have given themselves to the will of the devil
.
Pray for yourself. Pray that you may be strengthened by Christ Himself, and that you may endure through these difficult times. For it is in these moments that the devil will attempt to drive a wedge where ever he be able to in your life. Your marriage, your friendships, your co-workers and even relationships with your own children are not safe from Satan's ploy's. But more important than any of those relationships, is your walk with Christ. When we allow these stronghold's from the devil into our lives our walk suffers. Do not give in. See these stronghold's for what they are, ploy's from Satan's hand. In our weakness His strength is made perfect.
That is just it. We are weak and He is strong.
We cannot over come or withstand the devil's foothold without Christ.

Keep a watchful eye. Notice when the devil is using another to attempt to create a stronghold in your life. When you see the starts or ladder workings, love.
Pour love over the individual being used for Satan's works. Show them a love like Christ's. It may not change their heart, but it will grow yours and magnify Christ within it.
 Asah Shamah.
By putting such a concept into action I have gained an understanding I did not previously have.

I challenge anyone reading these words to do the same. When someone opposes you. When someone speaks hateful or negative words to you. When someone tries to destroy a relationship in your life, by whatever the means may be.
 Love.
Love like Jesus.
Perform an act of kindness for them.
And when they ask you why.... tell them:
"Love Does"

If you are unfamiliar with what "Love Does" means, I encourage you to search #lovedoes or #thatswhatlovedoes. Even use Google if you'd like. The overall message of the movement is: 

"When you love like Jesus loves,
You'll live like Jesus lives."

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there. 

Know that you are all beautiful and loved deeply by our Abba Father. 

Whether you have miscarried, suffered from still birth, received a fatal diagnosis and carried your child for the time God gave you regardless, or you have lost a child (at any age)... You are equally as deserving of honor this weekend. 

May our words be used to hug and comfort all this Mother's Day.