My steps, His direction

Let's start by getting this off of my chest...

I am a Doula!!!!!

Now, let me back track and give the ground work for how all of this came to. 

Back in January, while I was pregnant with Zeke man, I had my first Kaiser Permanente experience. Well, my first personal visit. During the visit I was given a folder containing miscellaneous pregnancy and delivery information. This included a section on a "doula." A doula what I thought. Doula oblong gotta??

That was that. I paid no further mind to the term I didn't quite understand. 

Before I knew it March was here. Ezekiel Anthony was born. My life would never be the same. 

In the weeks following my son's life I felt a strong pulling on my heart. God placed something in me for this strange word I had heard only a few months prior. 

After a bit of research, the mystery was revealed. 

A doula is a birthing assistant. A labor companion. In some ways a woman/ families own personal social worker. 

Wait. 

Social worker. 

This just happens to be what one of my degrees is in.

God, what are you trying to tell me here??

After much prayer I began to feel this was the field I was being called into. 

I spent my communion time during service praying for His guidance. For something to speak to me and show me I was reading it all correctly. 

And there it was. 

Only minutes later. 

Spoken from our Pastor, provided by Him and placed on my heart.

I was on cloud nine. He heard my prayer, and answered it.

Like most of us, it was only a matter of time before the world brought me back down. 

There were so many specifics that needed to be worked out. The logistics of how to change my life's direction. How to take the first step to becoming a doula. And most importantly, the financial means to do so. 

Next prayer on the agenda: God, if this be your will for my life... provide the financial means to meet the cost for training.

Check!

Literally, a check... a few days later.

Next up, my current job.

Lots of logistics went into this one. 

There were so many intricate needs that needed to be met. 

One by one, they were all checked off.

Praise God.

Okay, let me be honest. 

I did praise Him. 

But then, it ceased. And doubt often times overshadowed it.

Even with all these answered prayers... I still had doubts. 

I know. I know!! With all that... yes!!

Finally, this past week. 

I received a text message. It wasn't necessarily something I had been praying for, but it was definitely an answered prayer. 

When I had begun feeling out what being a doula entailed and what exactly I would gear myself and business towards if I were to go into the field, I had various areas envisioned. 

I want my faith to be known. 

Not that any client of mine must share my beliefs or faith, but I do not want to any of my life to be accredited to any one else other than the Creator; other than my Abba Father. The One who gave it all. 

Second, if I was to join this field...I wanted to be the go-to woman for all of life's difficult pregnancies. For miscarriages. For mommies carrying to term or giving their child all the life they can. For stillbirths. For all of the times others "don't know what to say" or those who's "baby is in a better place." It is hard to understand the way a loss feels until you have been there. Until the shoe has been on your foot.

It felt like I had searched high and low to see if there was anything out there focused specifically on support during these situations and nothing came of it. 

>> insert text message here <<

I have been contacted by a woman who does just that!!

In the coming month I will be working with an agency to train on becoming a stillbirth doula. 

I too, will soon be a certified birth doula. 

I am continuing in prayer for guidance and financial provision.

I have taken the first step. 

Made the leap of faith and am trusting God to carry me to place in which He sees fit. 

I cannot wait to see what He has in store for this new journey.

Picking up the Pieces

As I sit here today reflecting on my life and daily struggles, one word continually floods my thoughts. Defeat. 

Have you ever had those moments, days, weeks or even months where you just want to crawl into a hole?? Currently, that is my life disposition. That is exactly where I feel I am at.

Mother's Day is looming ahead. I have been dreading May 12th, 2013 for some time now. Since October 10th, 2012 to pinpoint an exact date; the day of my son's diagnosis. The sadness and pain that the day may (I say may because I know God is Mighty and with Him I can overcome the darkest of days, as long as I give them fully to Him!!) hold have truly terrified me. I have tried numerous times to develop a plan of attack for such a holiday. A plan in which I can shelter myself. Hide out from the world as a defensive mechanism to what the day truly symbolizes.
I am a mommy to an angel.
My child will not be in my arms as I celebrate my first Mother's Day.

 I am a mother without her child. 

I am mother with empty arms and a forever broken heart. 

Instead of holding my child close, I will wear a necklace against my chest with his name. I will continue to carry inches on my waist that are unfortunately not overshadowed by the beautiful child most mother's are privileged to carry in their arms. I do not have this gift any longer here on earth with me. My Zeke is now in the arms of Jesus. 

My struggles and difficulty with motherhood this past year have not ended there. I also have a step daughter. My "mommy" duties did not end the day that my child left my arms. For those who are also step-parents, I am sure this is an all too relatable feeling. The role of step mom, or for those who are men... step dad, is one of the most difficult titles you will ever take on. As this is not a role God ever called for anyone to hold, the dynamics are never functional as a family was intended to be. "Mixed" families are dysfunctional. I will spare you all the sugar coating and give the plain, simple truth. These sorts of families do not work as the Brady Bunch depicted.

 It is a truly impossible love. 

I wish from the bottom of my heart I were able to love my step daughter freely. I want to love her the way my heart naturally goes to. But when you are a step parent, you are given limitations. All too often you find yourself in between the rock and a hard place, so to speak. 

My step daughter's school is holding Mother's Day festivities. For some time now, she has repeatedly asked me to attend.  Each time she has asked my answer has remained the same. Hesitantly I answer, Okay. Steering clear of any definitive answer has been my safety net. 

She does not get or even know of my hibernation hopes for all things Mother's Day. 

This past week when we resumed our conversation it went a bit differently.

Rather than asking yet again that I attend, she told me that the event was "actually only for people who are mom's". These are words are not her own. No less, they are words that I have anticipated the arrival of. Until that day, that moment... I was unsure of where or when they would come. 

As painful as they may have been to hear, it was even more disheartening to think of who would have put such a thought into a child's mind.

The truth is, the person who first told her these words, the person to first utter these thoughts into existence for her... is not alone.
The situation in which you have experienced such an event may not be the same, but typically they share a common audience. Most days these sorts of things do not have an effect on me but it seems I have let them get the best of me from time to time. I cannot say I don't struggle. 

All of the above, every detail from the actions of others to my own feelings and emotions, are a result of one thing.
 The devil's stronghold. 
One has allowed themselves to be used as a vessel. Not a vessel for Christ, but a vessel for the works of the enemy. As a result of opening themselves to Satan's needs, harsh words are spoken. Words are used as a sword to cut another down.

In the lowest of my moments, God spoke to me. I had let Satan's stronghold in my home. I had let the devil come in the middle of my marriage. I had let that same stronghold allow me to feel distant from Christ and His love for me. Despite all of it, He and His word did not abandon me. Though I felt alone in what I was experiencing, at no time was that my reality. My God is greater than it all.

"In your anger do not sin" Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.- Ephesians 4:26-27

When others lash out with harsh words and actions, do not lash out in retaliation.
Instead, pray for them.
 Pray for their heart, for they have already allowed Satan's stronghold in the places they are attempting to carry into your life.
Their actions show they have given themselves to the will of the devil
.
Pray for yourself. Pray that you may be strengthened by Christ Himself, and that you may endure through these difficult times. For it is in these moments that the devil will attempt to drive a wedge where ever he be able to in your life. Your marriage, your friendships, your co-workers and even relationships with your own children are not safe from Satan's ploy's. But more important than any of those relationships, is your walk with Christ. When we allow these stronghold's from the devil into our lives our walk suffers. Do not give in. See these stronghold's for what they are, ploy's from Satan's hand. In our weakness His strength is made perfect.
That is just it. We are weak and He is strong.
We cannot over come or withstand the devil's foothold without Christ.

Keep a watchful eye. Notice when the devil is using another to attempt to create a stronghold in your life. When you see the starts or ladder workings, love.
Pour love over the individual being used for Satan's works. Show them a love like Christ's. It may not change their heart, but it will grow yours and magnify Christ within it.
 Asah Shamah.
By putting such a concept into action I have gained an understanding I did not previously have.

I challenge anyone reading these words to do the same. When someone opposes you. When someone speaks hateful or negative words to you. When someone tries to destroy a relationship in your life, by whatever the means may be.
 Love.
Love like Jesus.
Perform an act of kindness for them.
And when they ask you why.... tell them:
"Love Does"

If you are unfamiliar with what "Love Does" means, I encourage you to search #lovedoes or #thatswhatlovedoes. Even use Google if you'd like. The overall message of the movement is: 

"When you love like Jesus loves,
You'll live like Jesus lives."

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there. 

Know that you are all beautiful and loved deeply by our Abba Father. 

Whether you have miscarried, suffered from still birth, received a fatal diagnosis and carried your child for the time God gave you regardless, or you have lost a child (at any age)... You are equally as deserving of honor this weekend. 

May our words be used to hug and comfort all this Mother's Day.

Embracing Grace

I wanted to share a post with everyone that I came across today. 

"We all get to decide that- between erasing sin and embracing grace. One's impossible- and the other makes everything possible."

There are not many words that need to be shared outside of this but, I will share a few. 

First, Christians are sinners. Often times there are people who portray Christians as these perfect people with perfect lives who are free and clear of sin, temptation and difficulties. That is a sham. God never promised any of us that road. In fact, He gave His Son's life for He knew what sinners we all were. His blood was shed to free us from the stronghold of ALL sin. Yes, all sin. Sex, drugs, finances, gambling even murder... no sin is greater than the sacrifice He made for our lives. 

Secondly, as a Christian it is our calling to love on everyone just as Christ has loved on us. This doesn't mean that because someone has yet to dedicate their life or is on fire for His cause that they should be treated any differently by the Christian community. 

With that being said, sadly, I know not everyone experiences that. Fortunately, I did. 

My husband and I had a wonderful dating relationship. The greatest relationship I had ever been blessed to be a part of. And that was just it, we were blessed. From our first date, we kept Christ as the center of our relationship and walked His desired path. It was so apparent He was at work in us and was orchestrating something great. 

Months later we stumbled. We took our relationship into our own hands and did as we pleased. For those who have seen the timeline of our relationship and questioned the sequence of events... We were pregnant before we were married. We were heartbroken. To know that we had sinned and to know that it would be a sin we wouldn't be able to pray for forgiveness, repent and move on from brought a different depth to the feelings and emotions. We had fallen and almost immediately it would be something we would have to share with the world. We were a Christian couple. What kind of couple for God were we?? What kind of example were we?? 

There was no question as to whether or not we were going to continue the pregnancy. Although we were sadden for the sin we had committed, we were so fortunate and blessed for the life given to us in the form of this unborn child. We already had our wedding planning under way. We were only lacking a ring and date. Oh, and of course announcing it to the world!! Our wedding news was overshadowed to many (who were not as close and shared in our relationship) by the news of a baby. 

A few months later we were in San Diego preparing for our wedding. The morning before the wedding I awoke to begin stuffing party favors and ironing out the final details of the big day. It was October 10th, 2012. As I stepped out to grab some supplies I left my phone behind. A few moments later I paused from what I was doing and glanced at the phone. I had missed a call, and had a voicemail. The number looked familiar but I couldn't make out the connection at the moment. As I listened to the voicemail it was an office assistant from the OB I had been seeing. According to the message they wanted me to come in and be checked that afternoon. 

Confused, I stood still for a moment allowing my thoughts to race a million miles a minute. However, I still could not find a reason for being "checked". I hadn't had any testing done. All of the test I had taken had already come back and everything was looking great. What is it that they want from me??

Trying to grab hold of something that made sense of the message, I ran to my husband (fiancé at the time). He had still been asleep from the night before. I stood next to him and said, "the doctor's office called, they want me to come in today." I have never seen him awake so quickly. He sprang up to the upright position and quickly responded, asking for what?? I tried to put my wandering thoughts into words but could only get out ramblings. He insisted I call the office back and find out what it was about. 

After a few calls back in forth he grabbed the phone and insisted they give us answers. Within minutes we had the doctor on the phone. She wanted to speak to me. She asked if we had recently gone to a 3D/4D ultrasound studio... I replied, "yeeeees..." almost as if it were a question and answer in one. There was nothing that said we were not allowed to see our child. And to top it off, I am impatient lady!!... You haven't given any indication of doing an ultrasound so we know the gender so we decided to get an early peak a few days before the wedding. I was overjoyed to have the news to share on our big day; it was a boy!!!! Whats the big deal with that?? 

She went on to say that the technician there had seen some "abnormalities with the fetus". They can never speak kindly and tell you they want to make sure your child is developing correctly instead they refer to the life inside of you as simply a fetus and say there are abnormalities. I guess looking back now that is probably strategic. Any who, she told me they don't know what they are doing there anyways as they are not medically trained. It seemed to me as an attempt to scare me from ever going anywhere but her office again. She asked that I be checked ASAP. I was told I could wait until Monday but it wasn't recommend. She knew I was to be married the following day. A wreck by this point my husband had to take over communication. We attempted to find somewhere in the area we could be seen to get this resolved. With the insurance run around and other factors we ultimately hit the road back to the home hospital for the OB I had been seen at.

The drive was horrific. It was two hours in real time, but felt like an eternity. I was sobbing and pacing back and forth in my mind. What did I see in the scans?? Was there anything I noticed that didn't look like every other scan I have ever seen?? I had pictures on my phone from the last scan that I frantically flipped through. Zooming in on every detail seeing what it could possibly have been. Was there a limb missing I didn't notice?? Was there some handicap?? Oh please Lord, let it be a handicap. I can only imagine the amazing works You could do with my son even if he is missing a limb or has some other handicap. That has to be it. Please let that be it.!!!!!! 

Once we got to the hospital we were directed to radiology. Hours later we were finally called back. The technician was a kind woman. As soon as she started checking things out she noticed my ridiculously full bladder and finally gave me the okay to use the restroom. I came back in the room and laid down on the table. The exam began. I watched her every move. I took note of anything she took more than a second to roll over, and immediately upon a pause I would study her face for indications of what she saw. 

The moment she came to the head I knew. I had never heard of Zeke's condition before but I knew there was something not right. She told us she thought she saw what the technician had seen when we found out his gender but would need the radiologist to confirm. 

Of course, the doctor wasn't ready to come in immediately and check us out. We were eventually told to go back to the waiting room, they would call us back again when he was ready. 

Time had never moved so slowly. When we were back in the room with the radiologist I felt numb, nauseous, like I was about to experience my worst nightmare. This had to be a movie. He too spent much time scanning the head. I was devastated. Tell me what is wrong with my baby. He attempted to tell us our doctor would be contacting us. He slipped away smiling and telling us to have a great day... are you kidding me!?? After insisting he tell us what is wrong with our son, he threw his medical lingo at us and finalized his statement saying "incompatible with life". I lost it. He slipped out of the room, still holding his inappropriate smile. The technician remained with us in the room. She told us it was a good thing we found it this soon. Oh thank God!! There is hope. "Really" I asked her, "What does that mean?? What does finding this early do?? What can we do??". 

I could only assume that she was going to give me words of hope. Speak to me of a treatment or surgery or medication that would correct what the doctors said was wrong. But instead, she told me nothing. Instead, she suggested ending his life. "Well, nothing. But, you can terminate."

I was inconsolable. 

I had to be escorted out the back way of the hospital to our vehicle. 

My life would never be the same. 

No matter what  the decision to come, I would forever be changed. 

From the hospital we were directed across the street to the OB's office. Once again, I was rushed in just as I was rushed out of the hospital. They couldn't let all these women see a pregnant woman in such a state. They would all question what had happened... what was wrong with the lady who was sobbing uncontrollably... what did they do to her.... is it the hormones or something worse...

It was something worse. 

My son's life had been taken from me in an instant. All the dreams and plans I had for him, crushed. 

The doctor was in the room almost immediately. She asked what we understood and continually reiterated that my baby boy was "incompatible with life. " She told us that I could lose him at any moment and we may not realize until the next check up. We may leave the office one day and he pass later that afternoon without any way to know. She would not increase appointments to check on me anymore than any other pregnancy and therefore it may be awhile before we knew he had passed and that could cause serious illness for me. Or worse, death. She terrified my husband. Then went on to ask us that we cancel our wedding and begin "aborting the pregnancy" instead. 

I was in a fog. None of this seemed real. I felt like I couldn't take another breath. How was I going to face all these people tomorrow?? How could I smile and enjoy my wedding day?? How.... How is anything possible anymore?? I didn't want to speak to anyone ever again. I didn't want to relive the pain of what I had just endured. 

All of the terminology they used with us made it seem as though what was inside of me was not a life but rather something that could easily be discarded. All of the "risks" spoken to us that afternoon made it as though this "fetus" were harmful to me and of little value.

We left the office and told her we would return on Monday to discuss things more. 

It was all so surreal. We had fought to hear his heartbeat during the last appointment at the OB. I needed to know my son was still alive. His heart was as strong as ever. In fact the doctor commented on his life to this point. She stated my body believed this was a healthy pregnancy and was holding onto him; his life was coming from me. She would separate him from my body and ultimately surgically remove him and all signs of a pregnancy. 

All of the strategically spoken words were now making sense. Typically, this approach is of great success with patients. Doctors and staff are able to use these words to convince women inside them is not yet a life, not yet of value and thus easy to abort. All out of convenience. 

We knew after leaving the office we would never choose to end our son's life. 

His last moments were not for us to determine. Every life is given by God... the God who gives and takes away. He had given us the life of our son, regardless of its length and He too would be the one to take it away. 

My pregnancy did not come to a married couple. My son's expectancy was not announced to a family living free of sin... But God showed His grace anyways. My husband and I sinned and through it, because God loves us that much... He gave us a life, a blessing. 

Had we decided to terminate back on that October date we never would have held our Zeke man in our arms. We never would have heard his coos or cries. Never would he have held our hands as he did or never would we have seen his big blue eyes. Never would I have felt his baby soft skin or the kick of his feet with those long little toes outside of my belly.

Because I chose life for my son, I was able to hold him in my arms as he took his final breath. His final breath that was determined by God's will and not that of a doctor or my own desires. 

Children are a blessing from God. 

Meet my blessing, Ezekiel Anthony

To anyone out there reading this blog who has terminated a pregnancy for whatever reasons, please know that I do not judge you for your decision. I want you to know I am here for you. I am here to pray for you and to love you just as Christ has loved me. 

For anyone reading this who is facing the decision of aborting a pregnancy, please reach out before making a decision. If you cannot find someone in the Christian community near you to love on you and pray over you please know I am here. 

And to anyone out there carrying to term despite receiving a fatal diagnosis, know that I am here to comfort you just as Christ has comforted me (2 Corinthians). 

I am not free from sin as I have just shared, but I have embraced the grace of God. Your sins are no greater or less than the sins I too have committed, and they also are not greater than the grace of God. May you welcome His grace into your life today. 

God Bless.

His Greater Plan

My husband and I decided to get a second dog in January. It took a few months of coaxing but I finally got him to give in. Woohoo, go me! Once we get a bigger, non-California sized yard I'm going back to the coaxing board and getting a few more... I just love getting ahead of myself, I know. Any who, meet Jax.

Jax (on the right) with his sister on his first big boy walk

This post comes to you courtesy of him. He has a new found joy in pulling the rugs out of the bathroom in the middle of the night and throwing them around. He also enjoys (hmmm.... does this sound like a dating profile for him or what.!?) pulling laundry from the handle holes, particularly socks or underwear, and making it rain the shreds he creates. So as I sat up last night baby sitting him and trying to do some damage control I got to thinking and reading and praying. 

God is good. He truly amazes me. 

Why do I say that you ask... well, let me tell you why! First off, His word is true and real and very much alive in our lives today.

2 Corinthians:

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 
5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 
6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 
7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. 

This is one of my favorite  from scripture. How great is this... what great news it is to read those words. Maybe you're not seeing it, or are unsure... or maybe even we see different things from this. Let me explain what this means to me and why I find so much joy in these words.

You may need a little bit of background to help you along my explanation.
My best friend was pregnant with her first child about two years ago. She was adorable pregnant. Before her belly she was miss high high heels and she didn't let her little man change that, she was strutin' her stuff right up until he was born. Her pregnancy was healthy and there were no indications of what was to come. Upon delivery her son displayed signs of something not quite right with his circulation. He was ultimately air lifted to a local specialty hospital where the heart defect that had caused his outward signs would be operated on multiple times. Weeks later her precious baby boy was called home to the arms of our Lord. I couldn't imagine her pain as I felt so heartbroken for her.
Another good friend not long before my best friends pregnancy was also expecting. This too was her first baby and a little boy. She had experienced some pain in her legs and went in to be checked. As a result of the doctors visit she was admitted to the hospital and delivered her son sleeping. He was not expected to arrive for a few months and his arrival was certainly not expected in the way in which he came into his mommies arms.
Last month I delivered my first child, my baby boy. He had a neural tube defect called anencephaly and lived for 6 hours 11 minutes before he was called home. As a result of my pregnancy there are many families of anencephaly angels who I have been in contact with. One of these mommies has held an especially dear place in my heart. This mommy also lost her first child, her son. He too had Zeke's condition, anencephaly.

Without faith our journey's seem unfathomable, impossible and down right defeating. And without the above scripture it is hard to make much sense of it all. In fact, even with the scripture complete sense may never be made of it... Not until we too are reunited with our boys may God share His upper story with us.


The reason I share our stories with you all is to demonstrate 2 Corinthians today. These women were able to comfort me in my journey because of their sufferings. In addition to the comfort we have been able to give to one another, God has comforted us. He has given each of us a comfort that no one else could possibly provide.
That is not to say that because we are comforted by one another and above all by God Himself that we are not heartbroken and left to feel the sting of a child lost for our days here on earth.

As verse 5 states, we share in sufferings but even more than suffering abounds the comfort provided by Him. Often times for me this comfort ties directly into verse 6 in which it is stated that our distress is for your comfort and salvation. While I (we) have faced these difficult seasons and distress... it has brought comfort to others. But even more than the comfort that has come from such distress, salvation. There have truly been moments/ days where knowing that my sons earthly life yielded to another's, even if just one other, eternal life comforts me.

On a final note I want to share the hope side of the verse that I have found with you. Verse 7 refers to a firm hope in Him knowing we will share in comfort as well. A few of these wonderful women I have in my life are currently awaiting their rainbow.
What is a rainbow you ask?? A rainbow is what families who have lost a baby refer to as the child after their baby has gained their wings.
There certainly is a comfort in your own rainbow, but also is the comfort in seeing a loved ones rainbow. Thank you, Lord!! Thank you for putting such wonderful faithful women in my life who I can share in You with.


Meet my best friend's rainbow

Sporting his camo gear in Zeke style. 

God is good. He truly amazes me. 

What sufferings and comforts have you shared in?? I would love to hear your stories.

May God Bless you and His comfort abound.

Remember, We can do all through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13)

Far from perfect, but real.

Hello there! 

Lets start this whole blogging journey off with who I am and why in the world I am who I am today. I am many things, as are all of us. I am a daughter, sister, wife, niece, aunt, step-mom, mommy (one of, if not the favorite title of mine), friend, step-daugher, cousin, co-worker and most importantly daughter of the King (okay, maybe this one is my favorite).!! 

I walk in the body of a twenty something but inside I feel I bare the soul of a ninety something. 

Since October of 2011, I have gone from being a single lady knocking out bucket list items living in a loft in downtown LA to a world entirely different. A world completely foreign to me. I am now a married woman, to the man of my dreams might I add, with a 6 year old step daughter and a mommy to an angel. Don't worry, I will share many posts with all the details to come. 

My life has been packed with many tests. Only by the grace of God have those test been made into testimonies. Testimonies in which I have created this blog to share. Not only am I the many things I have listed above but I am also a sinner... and a believer. Because of my faith and Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection, I am forgiven. I hope that in sharing my walk, including the many stumbles, with you all that the Lord may be able to use me as a vessel through which He shines. 

Some days I am full of sarcasm and others I allow the little things to get under my skin. I have days where I am overcome with sorrow and days where I have many tears of laughter; but in all my days I will praise Him and give God all the glory. 

Welcome to my life as Mrs. Acosta

My love and I on our wedding day 10-11-12

God Bless.